With my chronic ailment, should I really marry…? Why not?

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That is what my answer to the question asked by my patient is.

To my mind Rahul should be more open, if not overtly looking to hunt a partner. He has every opportunity to share the nature of his illness to his prospective spouse whether she comes a natural way or through an arrangement as is the case in India for most.

How should he do it?

He should do this in an open straightforward manner without sounding either guilty or insecure about the future of his relationship. Even people without an ailment have heart breaks. His potential spouses should have a right to approve, choose, or discard him. A person contemplating marriage to some one like Rahul, should give enough time to self so that one doesn’t marry out of “pity”.

Similarly, Rahul should prepare himself for a negative response. Remember, his potential spouse had that right even if he had not had the medical problem… Her right needs to be respected.

I have heard of people concealing their status even those who are carrying HIV virus or have full blown AIDS! for the sake of marriage. Their spouses, whom they infect in due course have been abandoned after they pass away. Not only this, the stigma of AIDS, takes its toll as well. There are reports where a wife has been held responsible for the disease, even though she contracted it through her deceased husband.

Message to Rahul:

Open up…
Look for a potential mate…
Share honestly…
Don’t feel rejected! Every human has a personal dignity, so in true sense, a human rejection is simply a subjective perception.
If a proposal is turned down, it saved at least two lives….
And finally even without the ailment, your marriage could fall apart…
So be happy.

Every single person can be married any moment.
But every married person can’t be single so quickly!

A single person’s life is better than that of a person in a wrong relationship.

Looking forward to your marriage invitation, Rahul …!

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Doctor, with my chronic ailment, should I really marry…?

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Rahul (name changed) is 27, a tall, handsome guy with hazel colored iris pigment. Self employed and runs a placement agency. He was a juvenile glaucoma patient who had been operated for intractable glaucoma when he was only 9 year old. He says, his visual status (which is significantly reduced in terms of the visual field), is known only to two persons: his doctor (that happened to be this blogger) and himself. His family obviously knows about his ailment; however to everyone else he is a crazy guy who owns a bike, has access to his father’s car but for reasons best known to him, avoids driving either of them.

Rahul is not alone. Many glaucoma patients are forced to lead a restrained life due to visual field restrictions. As I said in a previous post, some countries even have legislation that (rightly) prohibits them from driving.

Unaware of his actual visual status, his parents are behind him. They feel it’s high time he “settles down” with a suitable bride.

Around a year ago, he sought my views about this. Marriage in India, unlike in most western countries are arranged, unless someone falls in love, in which case there may still be a lot of family drama because of multiple differences in caste, religion, region, language and financial differences.

Nevertheless, the question Rahul has raised, I believe must be shared by many others irrespective of which part of the world they live in. A patient with a chronic disease, physical limitation more often than not relives these restrictive factors and puts up a lot of anxiety not directly linked to the ailment itself.

So Rahul discussed his reasons for avoiding a marriage:

“I don’t have a girl friend, whom I could marry. (He probably closed the doors for a relationship because of the potential impact she would have to bear!). Even if I had, I wouldn’t want to ruin the life of someone I loved. My parents are pressing me to tie the knot, but the question is why should I marry and cheat a person I have never known….” he says.

Effectively, he has ruled out marrying someone he could have been in love with as well as others whom he wouldn’t be in with.

What do you say to this question?

I would post my answer shortly.

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